Thursday, December 16, 2010

azure funk

It's the time of year...
Once a favorite of mine, but now, a bit different.

I realize, I should be embracing the festivities of the season. At least for the sake of the little ones. And to be sure, I do my best. They're smiling still. I hope they never find a reason to feel the blueness that creeps in on some of us.

What is it that causes that feeling of being on the outside? With our breath fogging the glass of the window to that warmly lit home where the laughter rattles the panes...

On the outside, baffled by the amusement of the others. Smiling tearfully, truly happy for those who possess the joy, yet aching for a piece of it...

What is it?

Perhaps, it is knowing. Knowing too much of the dreadful things. Being old enough to be aware of the difficult things hovering over us and having trouble shaking it off.

Oh, to be oblivious. There are moments I've wished for the ignorant blissfulness of a butterfly. A great cataclysm could be falling around them, yet they'd float and flutter, dancing from perch to perch. Smiling inside at the beautifulness of their brief moment of existence. It would seem.

Not too long ago, I had little trouble feeling somewhat carefree and childlike. Wanting to spin in the rain and toss the leaves to the wind.

I've hit a wall. A darkness that does not feel like my own. There seems to be no shortage of people who would see to the failure of the lighthearted.

A break is needed. The road beckons...

Not to turn and run from the heaviness. But, to get a better perspective. A refreshment of sorts. And not just for me.

That's what I tell myself, at least. Though there is something to seeing strangers milling about in towns foreign to us. We may not look or speak the same, still we are together in this. No matter how it seems, or even if they will agree with us on the issue.

I know it is me who placed myself outside that window. Maybe it's best this way. At least I know when my lips part for a grin or a bit of laughter, it is genuine.